Number 1: Sleep is for the Weak

Having your parents wakened to a wide-eyed, eager teenager might frighten or even intimidate them. Nothing strikes the fear of God into their hearts more than the idea of knowing you were up all night scouting every present under the Christmas tree, giving you the power of blackmailing them into giving you the gifts of your dreams. Saying you will tell your younger siblings that Santa isn’t real if you don’t find that promptly wrapped iPhone X under the tree speaks volumes and might even cause tension between your relationship with your parents. You know too well though that your father is aggressively fist pumping with Christmas joy as he knows his little boy is all grown up and overall has succeeded as a parent.

Number 2: Degrading every unwanted gift ever received.

You have to ask yourself, what would Jesus want? Sorry, Grandma, but your low cut white socks, Hanes underwear and schmedium undershirt isn’t going to cut it. Nothing says more Christmas spirit than selling all your unwanted gifts on EBay for $10, because why not? Staring down your parents as they sit there with that look that says “you better not say anything” is indeed a powerful statement, but there is a fine line between what is appropriate and what is not. Your parents need to understand that, and if they don’t, well, sorry, kid, your chances at the new Xbox or IPhone are tight. To make up for this, sell your unwanted gifts at an unreasonably high price on EBay or Craigslist, claiming they are “collectors items” in the caption, as fraud typically comes with high returns.

Number 3: Hysterically laughing until it makes everybody around you uncomfortable during a 24-hour marathon of “Elf,” starring Will Ferrell.

I think it’s safe to say that Will Ferrell may be one of the most influential actors of our generation, as the thought of a grown man in a tight elf costume is inspirational to our nation’s youth. With that being said, laughing is deemed acceptable, but laughing to make everybody uncomfortable is pure genius. This dominance might even test the integrity of your rich uncle Ron, who occasionally disapproves of the flannel your father wears during the family Christmas party. Honestly, though, Buddy the Elf is funny. So when your little sister tests your patience with constant stares and “Shhh,”  just go ahead and retaliate by threatening to light the Christmas tree on fire saying, “It was blocking the view of the TV,” even though it was strategically placed in the corner of the house away from everything.

Number 4: Convincing all your younger siblings that you are indeed Santa.

An intriguing Santa accusation might be one for the books, as the younger ones might do anything to get on Nice list. This could be considered abuse if properly executed to an extent, but at least it’s cool to have an army of children willing to risk their lives in the name of St. Nick. This power move alone could transform your view on faith.

Number 5: Bribing Mariah Carey to sing in front of family during Christmas Dinner.

Who doesn’t like a good show tune? Sacrifices must be made to promote the betterment of your holiday experience, even if testing the laws of our Constitution. I personally prefer a fine Michael Buble’, but the vocals and heart of Mariah Carey are hard to come by. On top of that, who doesn’t like a personal song choice from a Grammy -ward winning artist, as “All I Want For Christmas” is a global phenomenon?

Number 6: Kill a deer in the backyard and claim you shot Rudolph.

Nothing makes a better story than a false claim to fame. Saying you shot one of the most spiritually acclaimed animals of all time is pretty bold, but comes with a risk as PETA will be gunning hard for those weak eight-point reindeer antlers. Many will be outraged or even threaten you, but hey. the story is gold.

Number 7: Attempt to pull a Grinch and cancel Christmas because “The NY Jets aren’t doing well this season”.

A bad football season for the Jets could cause World War III if we’re being completely honest. An aging 38-year old-quarterback in Josh McCown limits the Jets’ opportunity for a winning season or even a win over the 2-8 Miami Dolphins. So why not take one for the fan base and cancel Christmas completely, saying it “Is against my core beliefs as an individual”? This is morally OK as true Jet fans support this backlash of a weak defense and a B average wide receiver core. Canceling Christmas might be a tough task at first, but a little team camaraderie can fix anything if you put your mind to it, along with the help of every loyal 35 -year-old middle aged Jets fan, south of lower Manhattan.